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View Full Version : My Testimony of Deliverance



CIK Productions
11-28-2010, 07:01 PM
Hey guys, I wanted to take the time to share something thatís very personal, and something I havenít even shared with anyone to this extent yet. Iím willing to be vulnerable in order to let you guys see how God has been working through my life, and hopefully encourage anyone who is going through something similar.

Over the last couple months, God has put me through some trials that absolutely rocked me to the core. It all started around early September when I prayed to God that I wanted to suffer well. Little did I know what would happen. I started feeling conviction spiritually like I had never had before in the coming days. I can remember weeping late at night watching Francis Chan videos, and convicted so deeply of my lack of love for God and the world. I felt so broken, and did not know what to do. God was beginning the process of breaking me down in order to show me his love.

Soon after I God presented me with the toughest challenge I have ever faced in my life. I was diagnosed with tinnitus (a constant ringing sensation in my ears which never stops, which came from listening to music too loud, going to loud concerts, etc.) and very quickly, I became absolutely terrified. I felt as though everything I had known was being shaken. Some nights, I would stay up until 5am trying to just get any sleep. I began to have panic attacks at night, and felt utterly hopeless. I would cry myself to sleep often, and desperately cried out to God for help. Not in questioning, but searching for mercy and a right perspective. This condition was permanent, and although I could somewhat manage the symptoms, it was here to stay, and that frightened me. I thought my life was ruined and destined to be hopeless all my days.

I began to become exhaustingly tired every day, because it would take me hours and hours to fall asleep at night. I tried everything possible to remedy this, yet nothing at all helped. I began to take Ambien (a prescription sleeping pill I had been given for my chronic sinus problems I have) every night, and although it provided temporary relief somewhat, it caused me to get into a horrible cycle. I would get a couple hours of sleep at night and wake up around 4am or so and not be able to fall asleep, because it messed up my R.E.M. sleep cycle badly, and caused my already sparse sleep to become less effective. I began to develop a psychological dependence on it, and would take it every night without fail.

On top of this, my chronic sinus problems (which I had had surgery for the second time in early September) began to come back, and I would have sinus infections lasting for weeks and feel even more miserable. I can recall one night, around 3a.m., I felt the devil telling me to cut my wrists, eventually I resisted though. Nights later, I began to feel the devil fueling suicidal thoughts in my mind. I would see visions of myself shooting myself in the head or just fantasizing about dying when I would be up late at night desperately trying to sleep. The anxiety and obsession over my tinnitus only made is worse as the symptoms of it are heightened due to stress and psychological factors.

During this time, I was starting a job, going to college for the first time, and leading a bible study for the first time also. I was under the most spiritual attack I had ever been under. I can recall one time while leading my bible study, I was speaking on the love of God, and started tearing up, and right after I said it, I felt one of the worst headaches I had ever felt in my life.

Through all this, Christ was my only hope. The promise of glory with God and the removal from the deep-rooted pain I was experiencing was my only hope. Never before in my life had Godís love had such a unique meaning. It was my EVERYTHING. I had no hope in anything this world had to offer. I was encouraged so greatly by brothers in the faith, and God would consistently send me encouragement when I so greatly needed it. One day, Teddy sent me his ďGoing HomeĒ song and I can remember just weeping at the fact that God knew about my pain I was going through and promised that it would only get better from here.

Still though, I would fall into depression, and be almost lifeless some days, just wanting to get out. At times, I fell back into pornography, and was searching for some sort of comfort. I never was able to tell anyone the extent of what I was going through for fear that I would be judged or misunderstood. Pain is often much harder to understand when youíre not going through it, yet to the person who is experiencing it, its excruciatingly real.

The sufferings of Christ were such a comfort to me in this time. I would read chapters like 1 Peter every day, and the book of Job took on a whole meaning like it had never before.

Eventually, God so graciously pulled me out of this dreadful season and gave me deliverance. I finally stopped taking ambien and slowly started getting rest once again, and began to stress less about my tinnitus, and I was able to regain my sanity for once.

I feel like I now understand the closeness we experience when we are broken. God broke me down so greatly so that all other distractions were made so small, and all I wanted was his love. I experienced a closeness like never before, and although I canít say I would ever want to go through a period like that again, if its in Godís will I must rejoice in the fact that he is desiring to awaken a fervency in me and draw me closer.

Please keep praying for me that I would pursue Christ in and out of the storm and that he would be my all-consuming desire.

Excuse this being poorly written, it was tough to try to cohernatly write down everything that was going on still in a concise manner. Thanks for reading though, be encouraged in all circumstances that Christ is working to sanctify you.

ďAnd we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposeĒ Ė Romans 8:28

Da'Legend
11-28-2010, 07:14 PM
Mad encouraging bro. Praying for you. Do the same for me too :) I'm struggling with a lot of the stuff you mentioned. Perseverance....ahh so hard

Zema
11-28-2010, 07:45 PM
Speechless, Matt!

SemperReformanda
11-28-2010, 08:12 PM
Very encouraging, fam. I'll be praying for you, Matt. (I'm Josh Zavadil on Facebook btw).

B Blessed
11-28-2010, 09:25 PM
This truly blessed me fam.

icuucme
11-28-2010, 09:34 PM
Wow, i got u in my prayers bro

fromdeathtolife
11-28-2010, 09:42 PM
Thanks for sharing fam. Praying for you.

Da'Legend
11-29-2010, 12:35 AM
Very encouraging, fam. I'll be praying for you, Matt. (I'm Josh Zavadil on Facebook btw).

He's a huge blue frog you can't miss him

CIK Productions
12-02-2010, 12:06 AM
Thanks for the love guys, really appreciate it.

JDWhyte
12-02-2010, 12:27 AM
(I'm Josh Zavadil on Facebook btw).
and twitter... lol

JDWhyte
12-02-2010, 12:28 AM
He's a huge blue frog you can't miss him

LOL... ROFL... He is.... lol