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albraggs
10-27-2009, 12:45 AM
I guess everyone goes through this phase of life of not caring about anything. I keep going back and forth rather I should write this, but I really don’t know if I should say anything. I can't help the way I feel and I feel like if I confess to this that I will be judge or look at differently, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am out of control and so lost right now. It all comes down to committing suicide. So I push people away because I did not want to say anything. I have a plan and daily I think of this plan. I feel so stupid and lost.

Cowboy
10-27-2009, 12:57 AM
So, I've contemplated suicide in my younger years, and I'm going to admit that because I think you need to see that there's no worth in that route. I don't know what you're going through, and I don't know what has ultimately made you think your life isn't worth living, but let me give you a gander into my current situation in life:

I've been without a consistent job for the last 2 years. The most money I've had in my account at one time is $600, and that was supposed to last a month. I've fluctuated in my weight. I'm not secure in how I look. I've been rejected by females that I've shown interest in. I've been turned down for close to 10 different jobs that I've interviewed for.

The list goes on and on, literally, for what my life looks like right now. The reason I want to live is simple though....for God. I want to live for Him. He saved me from dying in a car wreck 7 years ago:

http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v2672/35/81/507504373/n507504373_1377468_1998768.jpg

More importantly than that though, He saved me from my own sin. NOTHING that I've done can separate me from Him because of the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross.

There's nothing that you've done in your life that should make you not want to continue on. Like I said, I don't know what you've been through, but I do know that God is bigger than any of it. I do know that God loves you. I do know that there's more for you. Please take these words and think on them. Give your problems up to God, and find someone you can talk to about everything.

Sincerely,

Chris

jeyjey34
10-27-2009, 01:23 AM
Asia, you have nothing to be ashamed of with this thread. So there's no need to apologize for anything.

I'm not an expert on this subject, but please know that you are loved by many people even if you don't always hear it expressed verbally. Most importantly, please know that God loves you. Each day that you have been given is because of the Lord's blessings and the fact that you're here today let's you know that God has a plan and a purpose for you.

Please take that to heart and keep the faith in God. We'll be praying for you...

BlackCalvinist
10-27-2009, 01:36 AM
Asia, it's late but I saw your post (I'm supposed to be asleep). We just had someone come through and speak on the topic of suicide:
http://media.monkserve.com/EKK/1431/breaking-points-moses--elijah-and-their-suicidal-impluses.mp3

I can't say that I haven't contemplated suicide at some point in life as well. Honestly, once the pain hits a certain point, I think we all think about ending it.

BUT.... God is bigger than our pain. And for the very purpose of 'holding our arms up' (Moses reference) and relieving the burden we feel placed upon us, He's put others in our lives. This is precisely the time when you shouldn't push people away, dear heart. It was good that you typed this because now we know how to pray for you..... you know you are loved and appreciated. I can't say I know specifically what you're going through, but I can say that God has providentially and lovingly had the words of folk here on the board made visible to you as an encouragement to not do anything near to hurting yourself.

Get up with some brothers and sisters in the Lord SOON.

*hug*

k ?

Kenya3H
10-27-2009, 01:43 AM
I hope nobody judges or thinks any differently of you.
I don't know you beyond being a memeber or hcr, but be confident that i am praying for you, and i have no doubt i am not alone in this

d.hyde
10-27-2009, 07:22 AM
Hey lady. Im so sorry u are feeling distressed right now. Please try and take it easy, pray, talk to some trustworthy sisters or brothers about how it is u are feeling, and above all seek the comfort of Our Lord. U are loved by God, I pray u find comfort in that. Take care.

BlackCalvinist
10-27-2009, 09:36 AM
I hope nobody judges or thinks any differently of you.

Some of the greatest saints in history suffered from depression.

Ladyinlove
10-27-2009, 09:39 AM
We all love you and are praying for you!

CHRISTion
10-27-2009, 10:04 AM
Asia-- I am praying for you my sister. I have met you a few times & we have talked a few times, so when I read your request it definitely hit me hard-not because you have anything to be ashamed about or because I judged you on it-but because you are not just a person behind a screen name that I have no attachment with at all-but you are a PERSON, somebody God lovingly crafted and created and has designed you and your WHOLE LIFE before you were even born that I have actually MET.

I too have battled TERRIBLE bouts of depression (actually, I'm still battling one now) & I know what it's like to have others tell me to pray and seek God and fast and worship and do all this stuff (as if I don't already know all these things)-and yes, I have any been to a place where I just thought that ending it all would be the right answer... but Asia, please let me encourage you to KEEP LIVING... this isn't about fluffy, empty magical words-this is about the enemy attacking you in all your weakest places and the victory is his if you give up-but THANKS BE TO GOD that we really DO have a God who loves and cares for us SO MUCH that He sent His Holy and blameless Son to die for us!!!! And one of the things that got me through one of the toughest bouts of depression is how selfish it was for me to think that *I* should be the one to try and control my destiny knowing that it is in fact HE that DAILY gives me such a crazy and mindblowing amount of Grace... that if I were to just stop and go to the hospitals, the slums, the suburbs, etc-- and see others out there who don't have 3/4 of the stuff I have and take for granted... warm water, clothing, money, a car, a job, a place to live... so yes, though I may be going through a hard time, there are people who would PRAY to have the very problems that I have!!! So in reality, this is not about me, but God getting the MAXIMUM amount of glory by having us testify to His Greatness, even in our hour of greatest need and suffering, because He shows His faithfulness to us even when we think He has forsaken us.

*WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE... HALLELUJAH... PRAISE YOUR SWEET NAME*

So, I encourage you sister... to do as others have said, surround yourself with a local congregation, call out to your brothers and sisters here, and KEEP LIVING. God still has so much for YOU (yes YOU, specifically) to do...

Love you sis
-Chris

albraggs
10-27-2009, 10:54 AM
Thanks for the comments….I was really afraid to say anything because I feel ashamed of myself. I can’t believe that I’m still going through this and feel really stupid. But all I knew that I was going to do was push people away. I did not want to let people know what was going on. I thought I could do this by myself and soon would feel better. I just wanted to say sorry to all those I pushed away (rather in person or on facebook). I wanted to hide myself and for last two months all it seems that I would do was cry and cry.

Thanks Cowboy……I was thinking about that the reason to live was for God. I try my best to continue to think that and all the while I could not find myself to talk to God about what I felt and the reasons why. But I hear you and know what you talking about to live for God. I feel like right now I’m still in a struggle with to live for God and push through to talk to Him.

Thanks Jeyjey34….For the reminder that I am loved. I guess right now it’s hard to believe that. But thanks for praying. I’m trying to push through and not listen to the lies but to be honest it’s hard. I feel so weak and stupid for saying that “it’s hard”.

Thanks BlackCalvinist……Thanks for the sermon. I did not know that biblical men of God went through this too. I woke up early to listen to the sermon and all I could do was cry. I realized the reason I did not want to talk to God about this because I was afraid what He would do or say to me. I thought He would be mad at me for not trusting Him about the things that has happen over these two months. I could not help but feel bad about myself and hate myself.

Thanks Kenya3H…..thanks for the comment and praying for me.

Thanks LadyinLove for praying

Thanks Christion….Thanks for reminding of how selfish I was being to think of “me” in taking my life. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone. I felt I was alone and that I could not tell anyone. But now I know that I have brothers and sisters in Christ that care. Your words were very encouraging. Thanks again.

Da'Legend
10-27-2009, 01:17 PM
Asia I really appreciate your honesty and courage. Prayed and will continue praying

David L
10-27-2009, 02:35 PM
I guess everyone goes through this phase of life of not caring about anything. I keep going back and forth rather I should write this, but I really don’t know if I should say anything. I can't help the way I feel and I feel like if I confess to this that I will be judge or look at differently, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am out of control and so lost right now. It all comes down to committing suicide. So I push people away because I did not want to say anything. I have a plan and daily I think of this plan. I feel so stupid and lost.

I wrestle with these thoughts often myself. If you read the scripts you will find that men like Elijah and Job both longed for their deaths because of their psychological and spiritual afflictions. This is a part of your spiritual growth and maturity.

I think shai linne has a 'Dark Night of the Soul' track on his 'Solus Christus Project' that touches on some of the aspects of this experience. I always feel stupid and lost so you're not alone. I just accept that I am stupid and lost and cry out to my Savior for wisdom and direction.

:)

montenell
10-27-2009, 02:55 PM
i think we've all been there, just yesterday i was dealing with a lil depression and the scripture Romans 15:13 came to mind. it states May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope through the Holy Ghost.

What i've learned is that whenever i'm down I really need to lean on God, dont be ashamed though cause we all go through this whether saved or unsaved, but as believers we know that we have overcome the world

naijagirl
10-27-2009, 06:54 PM
Don't be ashamed.

I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon in my life. There are days when I look in the mirror and think "If I'm so hideous, Lord, why did my birth even come to term? Just so you could make my parents happy? Just so people could mock me at school and on the street?"

I came into this thread last night and before I fell asleep, I prayed for you. And I will continue.

I won't judge you, and I'm not going to say anything cliche.

But if you need to rant or vent, shoot me a PM. In this Christian life, it's hard to vent without some prejudging you in the process. I won't - been there, done that. I remember telling someone about my self-esteem issues, and she proceeded to judge me and say I was prideful and should confess my sins to God. This woman did not know crap about my life except what I told her yet she acted worse than a confessor.

illuminaticx
10-27-2009, 08:34 PM
I will be praying.

J =]

mzsoulll
10-28-2009, 01:55 PM
I've gone through the same thing as well. I am deeply moved by what everyone has said here, and offer my prayer to you as well during this hardship.

CLER
11-13-2009, 12:36 PM
I just saw this now. I hope and pray you're feeling better Asia. How are you feeling now?

FollowerOfChrist1
11-13-2009, 12:43 PM
Hope you're feeling better. How are things? :wubclub:

eternal
11-13-2009, 12:55 PM
Hey sis, I am also joining in the prayers of the saints on your behalf. All things boil down to the glory of God, and I encourage you to seek His glory, to uplift His glory, and take pleasure in offering your LIFE to Him for His glory. God loves you, and for some that may seem trite, but there is no more important love than His. He will strengthen and equip you. He will empower and exalt you. And you will relish in His love because in it, you are able to lift His name on high. Take joy in Him, and rest in assurance that God is faithful and and the most awesome provider. Also in that you have the saints here and elsewhere taking up your cause to His throne. God is good.

albraggs
11-14-2009, 09:30 PM
Thanks again everyone..........I am doing better little by little. It still gets hard, there apart of me that wants to live and sometimes I still have thoughts of sucide and want to end it all. I try to push the thoughts away but its hard and I am reading God's word. I go to church and will have a prayer partner at school. I going to small groups trying to get away but it hard becuase my mind wonders. I don't know how to explian it, Im really trying to trust God with all I have. I can't help to feel bad for saying how I feel and whats going on. Please forgive me, but I really do thank you all for the prayers.

thankfull
11-15-2009, 09:14 PM
still praying for you asia.

mgz
11-15-2009, 10:14 PM
Asia, I love you girl and I'm still praying for you. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? There are good Christian counselors who can help you and offer resources. I will look into it. Have you disclosed any of this to those closest to you, perhaps a mentor? Don't be ashamed of being transparent with them. Please know that you're cared about and being prayed for.

illuminaticx
11-16-2009, 12:47 AM
Thanks again everyone..........I am doing better little by little. It still gets hard, there apart of me that wants to live and sometimes I still have thoughts of sucide and want to end it all. I try to push the thoughts away but its hard and I am reading God's word. I go to church and will have a prayer partner at school. I going to small groups trying to get away but it hard becuase my mind wonders. I don't know how to explian it, Im really trying to trust God with all I have. I can't help to feel bad for saying how I feel and whats going on. Please forgive me, but I really do thank you all for the prayers.

i will continue to pray for you..

savedbygracealone
11-16-2009, 11:50 AM
wow, i didn't realize how many brothers and sisters struggle with depression, even here on hcr.

praying for you asia, and also chris (cowboy), chris (christion), david and neeci. Lord fill your saints will the joy of your salvation!!!

CHEMAelMC
11-17-2009, 02:32 PM
I just read this thread, sis... but, like everyone has already told you, suicide is NOT the answer to your problems...

Let me tell you something about me.. I graduated from university in july 1999, I never thought about my future or anything, I was pretty mediocre, never excelled in nothing in my life, and I didn't wanna go out to the real world I stayed in school helping this teacher with a project, for 6 months, at the beginning of 2000 I had to do something else because the project had just finished, so I decided to work on my thesis project, I started it and I had to read A LOT, and there I realized I didn't know how to read properly (that is, to extract the meaning of a text), neither I knew how to write, neither how to express my thoughts verbally, so I realized that I was a TOTAL FAILURE, I quit the thesis project, and went home... so, I wasn't good for anything, and I used to say to my self that I was a worthless trash and that I should not continue living... and yes, suicidal thoughts came.. actually, I planned how to end with my life... my pops used to work as a security guard, he had a gun at home... so, this one day in the morning my family left, I was alone, I took the gun, a revolver, to the bullets out, I had to practice, and I had to know what was going to be the last sound I was going the hear.. put the gun to my temple, and pulled the trigger.... CLICK!... I was gonna play Pantera's album FAR BEYOND DRIVE real loud.. so nobody could hear the blast... but, I also thought about the scene when my parents came... my body on the floor of their bedroom, my head blown off, the puddle of blood... my moms going crazy at the sight of her "baby" lying dead there.... my pops.. I couldn't imagine what his reaction would be... (and a few days he had talked to me about the foolishness of committing suicide and not being brave enough to face the problems of life, and he told me about when he found my brother cutting his wrist with a knife, about to commit suicide, that was the second time I ever saw my father crying...), and I told to myself.. I cannot go out like that... this can't be the way my life is going to end... so I decided to put up with my life... like 4 months later I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel... I got out of that depression triumphantly, unfortunately, being an atheist...
I learned how to express myself, I learned how to read, how to write and
I continued with my thesis project, finished it, received my Bachelors Degree in computer sciences, enrolled in a Research Center to obtain my Masters Degree... and 2 years later, I found the girl of my dreams... and THE LORD SHOWED ME HIS MERCY AND SAVED ME... now, I have my 3 kids, my wife, and the best gift THE LORD'S SALVATION.... can you imagine what would've happened if I'd decided to pull the trigger without taking the bullets out of that gun??....

Let me tell you something, when we are in a lot of stress, and suicidal thoughts come to our mind, we believe that is the real way out, but it is not.. you might think the problems end, but no, that's not true... it is only a selfish thought, you are only thinking about YOU, not the people around YOU (your family, your friends, your loved ones...)... now, remember that when we are walking with the LORD, we are not our owners or masters, we cannot make decisions like that, The LORD is only one who can decide who lives and who dies, not US...

God bless you

eve
11-17-2009, 02:52 PM
chema sooooo illuminated the fallacy of suicide because: none of us know the future! things are going to get better, all kinds of benefits are around the corner, decades of life are valuable ... but you'll miss out on all that if you cut your life short.

albraggs
11-17-2009, 02:53 PM
wow, thanks for sharing this, chemaeimc. I really appreciate it a lot. I have decide to see a counselor next semester in school. I will be praying with my prayer partner. Thanks again.

shekinahsmoke
11-17-2009, 02:59 PM
wow, thanks for sharing this, chemaeimc. I really appreciate it a lot. I have decide to see a counselor next semester in school. I will be praying with my prayer partner. Thanks again.
*super smile*

CHEMAelMC
11-17-2009, 03:21 PM
wow, thanks for sharing this, chemaeimc. I really appreciate it a lot. I have decide to see a counselor next semester in school. I will be praying with my prayer partner. Thanks again.

I PRAISE THE LORD THE LORD!!!

This is one of the reasons God allows us to go through hard times, I believe He does that so that we can help others that are going thru similar situations.... I once heard a preacher say that you cannot guide someone through the desert if you've never been in that desert yourself, using the example of Moses, and how Moses when he fled from Egypt went through the same desert he'd take the people of Israel through years later...

Listen to this (http://ditc.podomatic.com/entry/2006-08-15T17_12_21-07_00) sermon by a great Bible Scholar named Jacob Prasch. (one of my favorite Bible expositors), the sermon is called "The End of the Road", enjoy..

God bless you

d.hyde
11-17-2009, 03:56 PM
I thank God for all y'all. 4real.

albraggs
03-06-2010, 10:42 PM
I just wanted to say, that I finally was able to see my counselor. I was able to talk to her and tell her what has been going on. I am just praying that everything will work out. Thanks again for praying

albraggs
04-13-2010, 11:59 PM
Well, last semester was really hard for me. I was mentoring five girls, had two jobs and a full schedule and on top of that I was taking classes that were bringing up childhood issues that I thought I worked out. Going through counseling I realized a lot about myself. As a young girl I felt like I did not belong to anyone or that anyone loved me. I could not call my mom “mom,” lost my dad to cancer and while in school my peers made fun of me. I had to come home to deal with verbal abuse from my family. I felt like I could not run to anyone. Almost every day I came home asking God “why He put me on this earth.” I felt like there was no purpose of me being here so I wanted to kill myself, just wanted the pain to go away. I felt so ugly, unworthy, stupid, slow and invisible by everyone. I see now how my past as affected me and how I relate to people. I am closed off from people, can’t let people around me too long, because I have a fear of getting hurt and people leaving me. I felt like there was something wrong with me and I could not understand. I was so depressed and I hate who I was and what I looked like. I could not go outside or even look myself in the mirror. I’m not good building relationships and I find myself really lonely and it hurts a lot. I am afraid of people and I have anxieties when I am surrounded by people. Being in counseling, I had to face the truth and tell how I was feeling and that as a young woman I still felt like that little girl who was in pain. I was holding so much inside. I also come to realize a lot of lies I believed that I was told by people. I really seeking God and asking Him to free me every day. But I am just running to God, knowing that He loves me, and that I am not invisible to Him.

I will continue to see my counselor next semester….I thank God for you all. Thanks for caring and praying.

Your sister in Christ
Asia